Post 1 (fr)

I don't know wether this will be a travel blog or not. It'll probably be an everything blog. I hate labels.

((Now that I'm deep into writing this will be a multi-post. Greece is quite an "Epic" (lame joke). There's also so many cool aspects about diving that I want to get into later too but I don't so this is a reminder to talk about that.))

This is also a thought dump to help find clear themes for my retreat. If you find this and you're coming on my retreat welcome to the long version. woo.

Anyways... today I will talk about traveling and fear. I am not a great traveler. Flying makes me feel like I'm in a waking comatose. Literally. I download all the movies. I bring my switch. I have a killer travel playlist. I bring a small library of books. What do I do ~en flight~? I watch the little plane on the screen inch closer and closer to its destination. I can try to distract myself with my adult-child travel kit but my eyes always glaze back over to that little plane.

Except one time on a four hour flight- I read this novel called Dark Matter and it was so good- so amazing that I forgot I was putting my trust in (most likely) a man controlling a flying metal cylinder full of fire. No, but seriously: I do not understand planes. How the f*ck do they work???? Flying brings tears to my eyes and forget if my family is on board I am just letting the tears roll (idk how I think I'm going to host a retreat when people are dead*ss paying to fly to me oh my god). I am protected inn the sky. My whole family is and anyone I love who flies is. For so many reasons that I won't get into. Alas. I have no reason to be scared but I am literally sh*tting my pants the whole flight. I genuinely think it's because I don't understand planes and flying.

But I sit in my seat and I let those tears fall. I am not the kind of b*tch who will let (indirectly/assumingely) a MAN keep me from seeing the world and living my life just the way I want it. I will not let my fears- MY OWN SELF keep me from having crazy amazing experiences.

I'm going somewhere with this...

I had never left the country before. I had an invitation to go to Greece and showcase my art. There was a black pool of unknowns just by saying yes. I'm sure you can imagine. Would I be safe? What is it like in a different country? Is this place legit? How do I travel? Seriously- how do I travel? I've never been anywhere with no one familiar to greet me at airport and help me. Could I do this alone? Who will I talk to? What if something goes wrong? What if something bad happens at home and I'm far away? This island lands on a fault line & is known for earthquakes- will I be okay? How will I endure a 12 hour international flight over the ocean? Will I survive?

I got on the plane. I watched that little plane make its way to a random island in the Mediterranean inch by inch for 12 hours. I survived.

I quite literally stepped directly off the plane, onto island soil, and fell in love with Kefalonia.

I showcased my art in an internationally recognized gallery months after graduating university.

And someone at that gallery saw my work and was moved. As a gift he invited me to face my fear.

Cedric invited me and my new-&-now-lifelong-friends to try a discovery dive... an assisted scuba dive in the actual sea. Now I am a strong swimmer- I used to swim competitively AND I was a lifeguard but deep water terrifies me. For some reason deep water makes me feel claustrophobic and spooky. Deep pools feel liminal and bodies of water are full of mystery and darkness. But yeah. I said yes to putting on weights and purposefully sinking myself deeper than I've ever gone.

I gave the guide our OK hand signal and we began to sink. After an initial panic I remembered I could now breathe underwater. I could breathe underwater.

I saved up every penny (&then some) and watched my plane inch its way back to Greece a few months later to learn how to dive. And then I learned to dive deeper. Now I can dive so deep I need to check my bubbles to know which way is up. Talk about liminal, mysterious, and ultra spooky.

One day I will learn to fly a plane. I know I will. I'll have my private pilot license by the time I'm 40.